Sweet Potato & Halloumi Chopped Salad

& I had a miscarriage

Hi! Welcome to “good mood food” from Kale Me Maybe’s Carina Wolff. If you’ve made it here and aren’t yet a subscriber, come join! You can expect recipes, musings, and faves in your inbox every Wednesday! Paid subscribers get even more on Fridays — right now I’m doing a 30-minute budget meal series! Learn more about the paid tier of my newsletter here. You can also try a week for free!

CATCH UP!

Dear Diary (aka my newsletter readers, ily)

Life has been a little hard lately. I know a lot of you follow me on Instagram, so this may be a bit redundant, but last week, I had another miscarriage.

This one was a different experience from my first, which happened almost exactly at this same time a year ago. Although they were both early losses — just before six weeks — this one was an IVF pregnancy, and I knew it was doomed from the start. You can read more of the details about why here.

Because I knew it wasn’t going to work out, there was less anxiety in a weird way, because I had no hopeful outcome to cling on to. But it was a bizarre state to be in, pregnant but not pregnant — Schrödinger's Pregnancy, as Grant liked to call it. I hope to never experience that again. But the emotional comedown after the miscarriage was much rougher than I could’ve imagined.

I thought I would just be relieved I wasn’t experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, and then I would move on. But when I walked back into my fertility clinic to go over our next steps, I felt dissociated. How did I get to this place? How do I get out of this situation? The fatigue and brain fog from all the hormones during the miscarriage left me feeling so detached from my own body, the one that’s supposed to be doing something it’s not, the one I’m trying to be so hard to be appreciative of but instead keep feeling betrayed by.

The text messages pile up in my phone asking me, “How are you doing?” and I don’t even know how to answer them anymore. Am I okay? I’m not curled up in a ball crying in the dark, but I feel this constant hum of deep disappointment and fear that hangs over me daily.

I only have this one life, and I don’t want to waste it by focusing on only this one goal, but it is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I don’t know how to explain it to people who have never experienced it themselves and never will.

It is not just: “I am not pregnant.” It’s wondering what’s wrong with your body that you cannot see. It’s wondering if your whole entire life trajectory is going to be different than you ever imagined it. It’s fear that your friends will move on to this new stage of life, and you will be left behind, unable to relate to the new focus of their lives — even though you really, really want the same thing they have, maybe even before it was even a thought in their minds. It’s the exhaustion of putting your body through hormones, surgeries, and procedures, throwing yourself out of whack constantly. It’s the emotional toll of hope and then devastation, repeating over and over again. It’s the tens of thousands of dollars poured into something that’s not even a guarantee. It’s the multiple-times-a-week office visits that require early morning wake-ups and disruptions to work, so not only are your body and your mind affected, but your career is, too. It’s the fear that this will never end and you will never be able to escape this feeling. It’s the peace you find when you accept where you’re currently at, only for a new curveball to be thrown at you, so the struggle starts all over as you seek to find a new normal, again. It is so emotionally tiring. I can be okay and live my life but also not be okay at the same time.

Sharing this publicly has not be easy, but it has also been cathartic. I think people mostly view me as a recipe developer, but I have always been a writer first and foremost. It’s where my career began and where my passion lies. Knowing that I’ve reached others with my story has selfishly left me feeling so much less alone, and the fact that I can help others in the process only adds to my sense of purpose. Every time I receive a message in my inbox about another person who has gone through infertility, I find a little solace. Not that I ever wish this on anyone, but I imagine I would be struggling even harder than I already am if I was dealing with this on my own.

I know this will not be forever, but I am also ready for this rollercoaster to end. It really, really sucks to feel this way.

xoxo,

Carina

THINGS I’M LOVING!

I have one shopping rule right now, and it’s to avoid synthetic fabrics. This has changed the game for me. It not only curbs my spending and helps me invest in good quality clothes, but I actually find I wear the pieces more often because they just feel more comfortable and breathable! This 100% cotton oversized boyfriend sweater from Gap is perfect for the fall and winter season. The brown color is gorgeous, but they also have cream, black, olive green, red, etc. Order your true to size — it runs large for that oversized fit!

I tend to be highly skeptical of anti-frizz hair products because sometimes my wavy hair just cannot be tamed, but I have been loving Not Your Mother’s Smooth Moves Conditioner. It really does leave my hair soft and sleek, and I feel like I can actually lather my hair in a lot of the conditioner without it leaving my hair feeling heavy or greasy, which is rare. I’ve gone back and forth with a lot of shampoos and conditioners, and I am definitely going to stick with this one for now. It’s a little hard to find online, but I got mine at a drugstore, I think just CVS?! I pair it with Moroccan Oil and Ouai Curl Cream, and my waves have been feeling so shiny and smooth!

I was not expecting to love this one as much as I did, but wow, the Honey Mamas x Coconut Cult Raspberry Chocolate Truffle flavor is SO good. I love the raspberry-flavored yogurt, and the big chunks of Honey Mama’s chocolate just take it to a whole new level. It’s my current dessert obsession, which actually shouldn’t come as a surprise, as both brands are some of my favorites.

ACTIVE DISCOUNT CODES!

Supplements

• KALEMEMAYBE25 gets you 25% off your first order with Ritual!

• Use my link to get up to 45% off Grüns gummy vitamins!

Food

• KALEMEMAYBE gets you 10% off Fishwife products!

• KMM10 gets you 10% off your first purchase with Ground Up Nut Butters

• DRIZZLE gets you 20% off Little Zing Mustard

Other Products

• CARINA10 gets you 10% off Starter Kits from Branch Basics!

• CW15 for 15% off Bon Charge Red Light Therapy

• KALEME10 for 10% Osea Malibu skincare products

RECIPE!

I’m back with another chopped halloumi salad, but this one is taking us into fall! Fried halloumi is chopped up with roasted sweet potato, crispy chickpeas, shaved Brussels sprouts, red onion, and apples, and then everything is tossed in a hot honey mustard dressing for a crunchy sweet and savory salad!

Sweet Potato & Halloumi Chopped Salad

Ingredients (serves 2-4)

Salad

• 1 large sweet potato, diced

• 1 (15.5 oz) can chickpeas, rinsed, drained, and patted dry

• 2 1/2 tbsp olive oil, divided

• 1 tsp onion salt

• 1/2 tsp smoked paprika

• 8 oz halloumi, cut into 1-inch slices

• 2 cups shaved/shredded brussels sprouts

• 1 apple, chopped

• 1/2 cup finely chopped red onion

Hot Honey Mustard Dressing

• 1 1/2 tbsp Dijon mustard

• 2 1/2 tsp hot honey (can sub regular honey with a pinch of crushed red pepper)

• 1 garlic clove, minced

• 4 tbsp apple cider vinegar

• 2 1/2 tbsp olive oil

• Salt & pepper

1. Preheat oven to 425 F. Add sweet potatoes and chickpeas to a parchment lined baking sheet, and toss in 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil, onion salt, and smoked paprika. Bake for 25 minutes, tossing halfway, until chickpeas are crispy and sweet potatoes are soft on the side and crispy on the outside.

2. While the sweet potatoes and chickpeas are roasting, prepare the halloumi. Heat up 1 tbsp olive oil in a large skillet on medium heat. Add the halloumi, and fry for 2-3 minutes on each side until halloumi is golden brown. Set aside to let cool slightly, and then chop up into bite-sized pieces.

3. Prepare the dressing by whisking together Dijon mustard, hot honey, garlic, apple cider vinegar, olive oil, and a pinch of salt and pepper in a small bowl or jar until smooth.

4. Add Brussels sprouts, cooked chickpeas and sweet potatoes, chopped halloumi, apple, and red onion to a large bowl. Toss in the dressing, add another pinch of salt and pepper, and serve!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT!

Last week, paid subscribers received another 30-minute budget meal: Tzatziki Salmon Burgers with Lemon Potatoes. These are a great way to get in your omega-3s on a budget using canned salmon!

Just a reminder that anytime you become a paid subscriber, you get access to ALL of the past recipes in the archive. You can always do a free 7-day trial as well!